“Big news today—President Trump signed an executive order officially designating Antifa as a ‘domestic terrorist organization.’ Yes. Because nothing says ‘limited government’ like creating imaginary supervillains and then outlawing them.
“Now, quick question: how do you designate something as a terrorist group when it’s not even a group? Antifa is like jazz—loose, improvisational, and nobody’s making money off it.
“Trump claims Antifa has a secret, highly coordinated structure. Which is news to the actual people in Antifa, who can’t even coordinate snacks for a meeting. One guy brings chips, three bring hummus, and nobody brings napkins. Total chaos.
“And apparently Antifa ‘recruits, trains, and radicalizes young Americans.’ Really? My nephew’s been ‘radicalized’ too, but only against doing the dishes. Where’s that executive order?
“But here’s my favorite part: the order says Antifa uses ‘elaborate means to shield their identities.’ Yeah—it’s called wearing a mask. Remember those? Trump used to think they were a violation of freedom. Now they’re domestic terrorism.
“So to recap: the government is cracking down on an organization that has no membership cards, no headquarters, no uniforms… except maybe all-black hoodies. Which means the next time you’re in line at Starbucks and see a 22-year-old in skinny jeans with bangs in their eyes—look out. Terrorist.
“At this rate, the next executive order will be: ‘I hereby declare group texts as a domestic terrorist organization. They’re disorganized, they’re confusing, and you can never leave them.’
“God bless America, folks—the only country where a metaphor can be arrested.”
Alex Bakerloo 