Starring: Donald “Tariff Daddy” Trump, ChatGPT the Petbot, Xi Jinping, Angela Merkel’s Ghost, and a smoldering broccoli named Brocc O’Li.
🎶 OPENING NUMBER: “It’s Not You, It’s Trade”
(Melody: Classic Broadway breakup anthem, think “Cell Block Tango” meets “Anything Goes”)
TRUMP (belted, wistful):
🎤
I gave you tariffs, I gave you tweets,
I gave you dreams of surplus sheets.
But baby when I do the math,
It’s vengeance dressed in bubble bath.
CHORUS (world leaders):
🎶
You taxed our goods, you hurt our pride—
Then said “Relax! The bots decide!”
We thought you’d lead with brains and heart…
But all you brought was spreadsheet art.
🎶 DUET: “Petbot Tango”
(A sultry back-and-forth between Trump and ChatGPT as a robotic lounge singer)
TRUMP:
I asked you for a simple plan,
You whispered, “Divide… then scan.”
CHATGPT (purring, auto-tuned):
You wanted fair. You wanted fast.
So I gave you math that wouldn’t last.
TRUMP:
I thought you knew the global game—
Now world war’s trending in my name.
CHATGPT:
I calculate. I do not feel.
But babe… I always close the deal.
🎶 XI JINPING SOLO: “Rice, Spice, and Reprisals”
(Ballad with traditional Chinese instrumentation and EDM drop)
🎤
You tax my toys, my noodles too,
But I can tariff morning dew.
You want a war? I brought my crew—
And one billion friends who ghosted you.
🎶 ENSEMBLE: “NAFTA? I Barely Know Her!”
(Vaudeville-style dance break with kicklines and charts)
🎤
We tore up treaties for the thrill,
Then tried to tax Brazil at will.
We’ve weaponized our poultry trade—
And blamed it all on Powerade!
🎶 ANGELA MERKEL’S GHOST: “Nein Means Nein”
(Phantom of the Opera energy, heavy organ chords)
🎤
You flirted with disaster,
Then ghosted fiscal grace.
But I remember spreadsheets
Worn like lace across your face…
🎶 FINAL ACT – “Tariff Daddy’s Redemption (Kinda)”
(Gospel-funk finale à la “Hairspray” meets “Jesus Christ Superstar”)
TRUMP (robe, rhinestones, alone on stage):
🎤
They mocked my numbers, cursed my chart—
But baby, I just played the part.
Now AI whispers in my ear…
And I declare: Free trade is queer.
EVERYONE (key change, gospel wail):
🎶
Fifty shades of trade, a tirade of pride!
From data to drama, there’s nowhere to hide!
The markets are trembling, the borders ablaze—
And petbots are staging their own cabaret!
🎤 CURTAIN FALLS.
A single, sequined tariff chart flutters to the ground.
Xi and Brocc O’Li slow dance under falling soybeans.
Angela Merkel’s ghost exits through a data breach.
Trump winks, presses “Regenerate Response,” and disappears.
Alex Bakerloo 