Tucker Carlson Monologue: “The Kale Coup”

Inspired by the nomination of Casey Means as Surgeon General

Warning: may contain sarcasm, smug squinting, and thinly veiled outrage.)

Cue dramatic orchestral swell. Fade in: Tucker squinting into camera like he just caught kale committing treason.

*“Good evening, and welcome to Tucker Tonight.

America, ask yourself: What does it take to be the nation’s top doctor? Decades of clinical experience? A flawless track record in public health? Maybe just—and I’m spitballing here—a license to practice medicine?

Apparently not.

Because tonight, in a decision that surprises absolutely no one anymore, President Donald J. Trump has appointed a wellness influencer—yes, that’s a real term—to be your Surgeon General.

Her name? Dr. Casey Means.

Her credentials? A Stanford degree, four and a half years of residency, and a profound spiritual connection to heirloom tomatoes.

Now to be fair, she did leave her surgical residency. Why? Because she was, quote, ‘too stressed.’

That’s right—she was just one panic attack away from a nose job when she decided, instead, to sell hope and hummus online.

And now, this green-juice guru will be advising 330 million Americans on their health—when the only thing she’s consistently treated is her own brand.”*

Cue solemn pause. Close-up. Brow furrows like a concerned father who just found crystals in your medicine cabinet.

*“Let’s be clear: this isn’t just a quirky pivot. This is the institutional capture of public health by the avocado toast lobby.

This is not about science. It’s about smoothies.

This is not about medicine. It’s about monetized mysticism wrapped in influencer lighting.

And the most astonishing part? The president who famously lives on a diet of processed meat and spite is now suddenly touting ‘metabolic evangelism’ like it’s the Second Coming of broccoli.

So what does it all mean?

It means the Surgeon General’s office is now a brand partnership.

It means if you’ve got anxiety, you won’t get a prescription—you’ll get a chakra realignment kit.

And it means that if you thought the war on science was over…

It just came back from a juice cleanse.

Sleep tight, America.”*

Fade to American flag waving over a Whole Foods.