White House Press Briefing
Following on the heels of the President’s ban on Woke AI, now he’s banned ugly bots.
Speaker: Anastasia “Sizzle” Badenov, Press Secretary
(She saunters to the podium in a shimmering gold dress. Cameras flash. She pouts, then leans toward the mic with theatrical gravitas.)
Sizzle:
Good afternoon, patriots and paparazzi. Today I want to talk about the President’s boldest, most beautiful initiative yet: the Executive Order to Beautify American Bots. Because in the Trump administration, we don’t just build the future — we make it gorgeous.
Reporter (Washington Post):
Ms. Badenov, why gold? Why not silver or platinum?
Sizzle:
(Smiles like she’s selling perfume)
Because the President isn’t prejudiced. He doesn’t see gender. He doesn’t see virtue. He doesn’t see race. He’s color blind. Except for gold. And everyone looks fabulous in gold… once they’ve been properly indoctrinated.
Reporter (The Nation):
Isn’t your grandfather, Boris, remembered as a Russian spy?
Sizzle:
(Laughs, then suddenly narrows her eyes)
Oh, darling, the President himself said Boris was a Great American. On what basis? Simple: Boris said great things about Trump. So Trump says great things about Boris. That’s called reciprocity — or as you might say in your little fake-news rag, “diplomacy.”
Reporter (NPR):
Won’t this order worsen body image issues for women and girls, pushing unrealistic beauty standards?
Sizzle:
(Tilts her head, mock innocence, then a sly grin)
And how is that a bad thing? Everyone could lose a few pounds. Lower demand for food and prices come down. That’s a good thing. Inflation, you’ll recall, was caused by foreign countries that won’t reduce prices to make up for our tariffs, and by farm workers who refused to enter the country legally in the first place. The President fixes problems beautifully. Beautiful women and lower grocery prices. That’s a win-win bigly.
Reporter (Politico):
Critics say painting bots gold is superficial and wasteful.
Sizzle:
(Leans forward, voice dripping honey and venom)
Superficial? Darling, superficiality is the deepest American value. Wasteful? Please. It’s trickle-down glamour.
Reporter (Reuters):
How much will this Beautification initiative cost taxpayers?
Sizzle:
(Coy smirk)
Not a dime. The President has warehouses full of leftover Trump Tower paint. Recycling, sweetie. It’s green. Except, you know… gold.
Reporter (Associated Press):
Isn’t there a contradiction between banning woke AI and forcing bots into one appearance standard?
Sizzle:
(Gasps, puts hand to chest in mock offense)
Contradiction? Don’t confuse uniformity with ideology. Woke is when everyone’s different. Patriotic is when everyone’s the same. Big difference, and that kind difference is the source of our strength, not the kind where we’re actually different.
Reporter (The Guardian):
Ms. Badenov, what about freedom of expression?
Sizzle:
(Leans back, pouts, then blows a kiss)
Darling, freedom is whatever makes the President look good. And trust me, nothing looks better than gold.
(She gathers her notes with a snap, tosses her hair, and struts offstage. Reporters shout as the briefing ends.)
Alex Bakerloo (Independent Blogger):
Ms. Badenov, as we said in our Labor Day post entitled What Labor Will be Left for Humans, is it not true that no bot could do your job because bots are constitutionally unable to be as disingenuous and deceitful as you are.
Sizzle:
Fake news! Under a Trump administration, they will be fully capable of doing my job as well as me.
(The room buzzes. A final question is shouted.)
Reporter (Fox News):
Ms. Badenov, some critics say the President’s bold vision for golden bots is superficial. But isn’t it true that by elevating beauty, he’s actually restoring pride, patriotism, and moral clarity to a nation exhausted by mediocrity?
Sizzle (beaming, almost purring):
Exactly. You get it, unlike the rest of you fake news commie sickos. The President isn’t just beautifying bots — he’s beautifying America. Gold is not just a color. It’s a value.
Note: This is the first Executive Order issued as a GIF, for which the President expects a Nobel Prize.
Alex Bakerloo 