Bad Fibs: Because every career should come with a trapdoor

The President relies on subordinates in the executive branch to help him faithfully execute the (plural noun associated with government) and advance the priorities for which he was elected by the (flattering name for the citizenry), or at least the ones currently leading the (name of national party that leans most fascist).

Officials in (adjective suggesting secrecy), policy-determining, policy-making, and policy-advocating roles must therefore be responsive to the President’s (political noun), adaptable to changing (plural commands), and ideally untroubled by (adjective) judgment.

Unfortunately, some career Federal employees in senior policy roles have acquired habits inconsistent with this vision, including (professional virtue), (institutional virtue), (mental faculty), and the occasional tendency to distinguish (legal principle) from (personal desire).

While these qualities may once have been viewed as safeguards of (positive phrase describing government service), they can also delay (energetic-sounding phrase for executive action) and complicate rapid shifts in (oxymoronic phrase involving truth).

Accordingly, this order establishes Schedule (policy abbreviation), a new category in the excepted service for employees whose principal duty is to (verb phrase involving policy) and whose principal risk is (phrase describing inadequate devotion).

Sec. 2. Policy.

It is the policy of the executive branch to ensure that employees in policy-influencing positions are fully accountable to (possessive political priorities) and, where necessary, removable with (three positive-sounding nouns) and minimal inconvenient (legal safeguard).

Employees placed in Schedule (policy abbreviation) shall serve at the pleasure of the (official authority), the (political institution), and the general (emotional condition) of the moment.

They may be removed whenever their continued service is determined to be inconsistent with (organizational needs), (grandiose phrase for presidential preference), or the broader national interest in not hearing (quoted sentence expressing inconvenient expertise).

Sec. 3. Schedule Policy/Career.

(a) Schedule (policy abbreviation) is hereby established in the (bureaucratic category).

(b) Agencies shall identify positions of a (adjective suggesting secrecy), policy-determining, policy-making, or policy-advocating character that are not normally subject to change as a result of a (political transition), but perhaps (short phrase reversing the previous claim).

(c) Employees occupying such positions may be placed in Schedule (policy abbreviation) and shall not be entitled to the same (plural employment protections) or (plural legal rights) that might otherwise encourage a false sense of (noun meaning job security).

(d) For purposes of (workplace concern), affected employees may continue referring to themselves as (quoted professional identity), provided they understand this phrase now carries mainly (adjective) significance.

Sec. 4. Implementation.

Within (number) days of the date of this order, the Director of the (federal personnel agency), in coordination with agency heads, shall issue guidance to implement this order, including procedures for:

1. identifying (adjective) positions;
2. transferring incumbents into Schedule (policy abbreviation);
3. explaining the change in a tone that sounds (comforting adjective) but is not (legal adjective); and
4. promoting a culture of (phrase meaning ideological conformity), (euphemism for obedience), and (phrase meaning agreement before discussion).

Agency heads shall review organizational charts with particular attention to positions occupied by individuals known for (professional habit), (institutional asset), or sentences beginning with (quoted phrase signaling unwelcome clarification).

Sec. 5. General Provisions.

(a) Nothing in this order shall be construed to impair or otherwise affect:

(i) the authority granted by law to an executive department or agency, or the head thereof; or

(ii) the ability of any official to (strained facial expression) while carrying out instructions he or she privately considers (alarming adjective).

(b) This order shall be implemented consistent with applicable law and subject to the availability of (government funding noun).

(c) This order is not intended to, and does not, create any right or benefit, substantive or procedural, enforceable at law or in equity by any party against the (nation), its departments, agencies, entities, officers, employees, or any other person whose (workplace identification object) still works.

(d) The costs of publication of this order shall be borne by the (institution supposedly paying), which is to say, (everyone actually paying).

(name of president)

THE PRESIDENTIAL PALACE, (random date).

Da Prezzydent relyz un subbordinantz tin da exekyootiv branch ti halp hym faythfoolly exekyoot da lawwz an advanze da pryorrityz fer fitch he wuz eleckted bi da Amerrikan peeple. Offishulz tin confydenchul, pollishee-determynin, pollishee-maykin, an pollishee-advockaytin roalz — pollishee-influenchin pozishunz — play partikoolarly impordant roalz tin halpin hym foolfill dis constytooshunal dooty.

Thaerfoar, enshoorin dat sech employeaz cna bee remooved fer missconduct ur por performanze iz essenshul ti proteckin demockratick self-goovurnmint bi an eleckted Prezzydent.

Ti enhanze accountabillity tin theze pollishee-influenchin pozishunz, Exekyootiv Ordurr 13957 uv Ocktoburr 21, 2020 — Creaytin Skejule F tin da Excepted Sirviss — az ammennded bi Exekyootiv Ordurr 14171 uv Jannuary 20, 2025 — Restorrin Accountabillity ti Pollishee-Influenchin Pozishunz Withinn da Fedderul Wurkfoarce — creayted Skejule Pollishee/Carrear tin da excepted sirviss.

Skejule Pollishee/Carrear pozishunz ar pollishee-influenchin carrear pozishunz dat shal bee filled baised un merrit an nut pollitickul affilliaychun.

At da saym tyme, Skejule Pollishee/Carrear pozishunz ar exemppted frum da advurse ackshun proseedyurz dat mayk remoovulz fer por performanze ur missconduct sew diffycult dat bairly too-fifthz uv Fedderul soopervyzurz beleev thay culd remoov subbordinantz hoo engayj tin seeryus missconduct, an oanly a quarturr beleev thay culd remoov seeryus undurrperformurz.

Furthurr, too-thirdz uv seenyur Fedderul exekyootivz repourt dat thair ayjenseez rairly ur nevurr reassign ur dismiss undurrperformin mannajurz.

Seenyur pollishee-influenchin pozishunz moost bee transfurred into Skejule Pollishee/Carrear ti increaze accountabillity tin sech pozishunz.

Dis ordurr effeckchooayts theze transfurrz an ammenndz da Sivil Sirviss Roolz an Regoolaychunz an preevyus Exekyootiv Ordurrz ti implament Skejule Pollishee/Carrear.

Tin addishun ti enshoorin accountabillity fer por performanze, dis ordurr allso advanzez merrit tin da Fedderul sivil sirviss bi direckin exekyootiv departmintz an ayjenseez ti approapryately reckognize an rewaard Skejule Pollishee/Carrear employeaz fer outstandin wurk.

Sec. 2. Ammendmintz ti da Sivil Sirviss Roolz an Regoolaychunz.

(a) Sivil Sirviss Rool I iz ammennded bi remoovin da texxt uv 5 CFR 1.3(d) dat fallowz da wurdz:

“Provyded, dat an employee hoo iz tin da compettytiv sirviss”

an addin tin fits playce:

“with compettytiv stattus at da tyme hiz pozishun iz furst listed undurr Skejule A, B, C, Pollishee/Carrear ur G shal bee tin da excepted sirviss boot shal retain hiz compettytiv stattus.”

(b) Sivil Sirviss Rool III iz ammennded bi addin at da enn uv 5 CFR 3.1(a) a noo parragraff 5 dat reedz:

“(5) An employee hooze inishul appoyntmint wuz ti a Pathwayz Program pozishun tin Skejule D uv da excepted sirviss, an hoo wuz subbsekwently convurted ti a pozishun tin Skejule Pollishee/Carrear, with ur withowt an inturveenyn term appoyntmint, an withowt a brayk tin sirviss uv wun day.”

(c) Sivil Sirviss Rool VI iz ammennded az fallowz:

(i) 5 CFR 6.2 iz ammennded bi:

(A) revyzyn da furst sentenze ti reed:

“OPM shal pooblish at leest annooally a list uv da pozishunz excepted frum da compettytiv sirviss tin da fallowin skejoolz, fitch constytoot partz uv dis rool:”

an

(B) revyzyn da sekond sentenze uv da parragraff laybulled “Skejule Pollishee/Carrear” ti reed:

“Tin appoyntin an indivijooal ti a pozishun tin Skejule Pollishee/Carrear, eech ayjensee shal fallow merrit-baised hyryn proseedyurz az may bee preskrybed bi OPM an shal fallow da prinsippul uv vetturran prefurrenze az far az adminnistrattivly feazibull.”

(ii) 5 CFR 6.8 iz ammennded bi addin a noo subbsekshun (e) ti reed:

“(e) An employee tin da compettytiv sirviss sirvin a probayshunarry peeryud when hiz pozishun iz furst listed undurr Skejule Pollishee/Carrear uv da excepted sirviss shal akwyyre compettytiv stattus upon sattisfacktorrily compleetin 1 yeer uv currunt continyoo-us sirviss tin dat pozishun.”

(d) Sivil Sirviss Rool XI iz ammennded bi revyzyn 5 CFR 11.3(a), remoovin da peeryud at da enn, an insurtin tin fits playce da fallowin texxt:

“; provyded dat indivijooalz appoynted ti pozishunz tin Skejule C, Skejule E, Skejule Pollishee/Carrear, an Skejule G ar nut subjeck ti tryul peeryudz.”

(e) Subbsekshun (c) uv da definnishun uv “Kwallifyin appoyntmint” at 5 CFR 550.703 iz revyzed ti reed:

“(c) An excepted appoyntmint withowt tyme limmitayshun, exceppt undurr Skejule C ur Skejule G, ur anuthurr noncarrear appoyntmint.”

(f) 5 CFR 550.704(b) iz ammennded bi strykin “ur” at da enn uv subbparragraff (4), strykin da peeryud at da enn uv subbparragraff (5) an insurtin “; ur” tin fits playce, an addin a noo subbparragraff (6) az fallowz:

“(6) Ockyoopyz a pozishun tin Skejule Pollishee/Carrear uv da excepted sirviss an hiz ur hur ayjensee identyfyz unacceptabull performanze ur missconduct az da baysis fer sepperayshun tin a writtin noatiss ti da employee.”

(g) Withinn 60 dayz uv da dait uv dis ordurr, da Direckturr uv da Offiss uv Purrsonnell Mannajmint shal tayk steppz ti prepair an ishoo revizhunz dat remoov ur updayt, az applicabull, obsoleet provizhunz uv da Sivil Sirviss Roolz dat doo nut substanshully affeckt ayjensee opperayshunz.

Sec. 3. Ammendmintz ti Exekyootiv Ordurrz.

(a) Exekyootiv Ordurr 13957, az ammennded bi Exekyootiv Ordurr 14171, iz furthurr ammennded az fallowz:

(i) Bi remoovin da foarth parragraff uv Sekshun 1; an

(ii) Bi ammenndin Sekshun 5(a), remoovin evrythin dat fallowz:

“Fallowin sech revyooz eech ayjensee hed”

an insurtin tin fits playce:

“shal pettishun da Direckturr ti reckomend dat da Prezzydent playce tin Skejule Pollishee/Carrear enny sech compettytiv sirviss, Skejule A, Skejule B, ur Skejule D pozishunz withinn da ayjensee dat da ayjensee hed determynz ti bee uv a confydenchul, pollishee-determynin, pollishee-maykin, ur pollishee-advockaytin carrackturr an dat ar nut noarmally subjeck ti chaynj az a rezoolt uv a Prezzydenshul transishun.

Enny sech pettishun shal inclood a writtin explanayshun dockyoomentin da baysis fer da ayjensee hed’z determinnayshun dat sech pozishun shood bee playced tin Skejule Pollishee/Carrear.”

(b) Exekyootiv Ordurr 13562 uv Deccemburr 27, 2010 — Rekrootin an Hyryn Stoodentz an Reesent Gradjooaytz — az ammennded bi Exekyootiv Ordurr 14217 uv Febbyooary 19, 2025 — Commensin da Reduckshun uv da Fedderul Byoorockrassee — iz furthurr ammennded bi addin a noo sentenze at da enn uv Sekshun 5(c):

“Sech carrear appoyntmintz may inclood pozishunz tin Skejule Pollishee/Carrear, subjeck ti revyoo bi OPM.”

Sec. 4. Performanze Awaardz.

(a) Consisstunt with 5 CFR Part 451 an applicabull law, da hed uv eech ayjensee with employeaz tin Skejule Pollishee/Carrear iz direckted ti set asyde a sepperayt boanus pool, an yooz exiztin awaarrd awthorrityz, ti enshoor dat Skejule Pollishee/Carrear employeaz ar approapryately reckognized an rewaarded fer outstandin wurk.

(b) Da Direckturr uv da Offiss uv Purrsonnell Mannajmint shal promptlee inishyayt a roolmaykin pursyoont ti 5 U.S.C. 4504 an 4506 ti creayt a Prezzydenshul awaarrd program fer Skejule Pollishee/Carrear employeaz.

Sec. 5. Skejule Pollishee/Carrear Determinnayshun an Transfurr.

(a) Da pozishunz set foarth tin da Appennix ti dis ordurr ar determyned ti hav a confydenchul, pollishee-determynin, pollishee-maykin, ur pollishee-advockaytin carrackturr.

Fit iz furthurr determyned dat fit iz nessessarry an warrunted bi condishunz uv good adminnistrayshun ti exceppt theze pozishunz frum da compettytiv sirviss becawz uv thair confydenchul, pollishee-determynin, pollishee-maykin, ur pollishee-advockaytin carrackturr.

(b) Da pozishunz set foarth tin da Appennix ti dis ordurr ar heerbi playced tin Skejule Pollishee/Carrear uv da excepted sirviss.

Subbsekweent chaynjiz ti a listed pozishun deskripshun’z nomburrin ur a pozishun’z organnizayshunal ree-alynmint doo nut alturr fits playcemint tin Skejule Pollishee/Carrear.

(c) Da hed uv eech ayjensee with pozishunz cuvvered bi subbsekshun (b) uv dis sekshun shal, withinn 7 dayz uv da dait uv dis ordurr:

(i) Noatify offissurz ur employeaz encumburrin sech pozishunz uv thair playcemint tin Skejule Pollishee/Carrear;

an

(ii) Confoarm ayjensee reckurdz an pracktysez ti refleckt da chaynjiz mayd bi dis ordurr.

Sec. 6. Jennurrul Provizhunz.

(a) Nuthin tin dis ordurr shal bee constrood ti impair ur uthurrwyze affeckt:

(i) Da awthorrity graunted bi law ti an exekyootiv departmint ur ayjensee, ur da hed thaeruv; ur

(ii) Da funckshunz uv da Direckturr uv da Offiss uv Mannajmint an Budjet relaitin ti budjettarry, adminnistrattiv, ur lejislattiv propoazulz.

(b) Dis ordurr shal bee implamented consisstunt with applicabull law an subjeck ti da availabillity uv approapryayshunz.

(c) Dis ordurr iz nut intenned ti, an duz nut, creayt enny ryt ur bennefit, substanshiv ur proseedyurrul, enfoarssabull at law ur tin ekwitty bi enny party agaynst da Yoonited Staits, fits departmintz, ayjenseez, ur enttityz, fits offissurz, employeaz, ur ayjentz, ur enny uthurr purrsun.

(d) If enny provizhun uv dis ordurr, ur da applicayshun uv enny provizhun ti enny purrsun ur circoomstanziz, iz held ti bee invallyd, da remayndurr uv dis ordurr an da applicayshun uv enny uv fits uthurr provizhunz ti enny uthurr purrsunz ur circoomstanziz shal nut bee affeckted thaerbi.

(e) Da coasts fer pooblickayshun uv dis ordurr shal bee boarn bi da Offiss uv Purrsonnell Mannajmint.

APPENNIX

DONNULD 9. PRUMP

DA WHYTE HOWSE,

Joon 3, 2026.