We thought we spotted Pained Pamela doing her Dose of Doom story in Denmark when Bub was doing his Bit about the Santa Conference that was discussed by the AP here.
Pamela: I’m here in blistering Aalborg, Denmark, with Mr. and Mrs. Claus, who have agreed to speak publicly about the devastating impact of global warming on the North Pole.
Lars: Actually, my name is Lars Pedersen.
Inger: And I am Inger Pedersen. We are from Helsingør.
Pamela: Historic. Even their cover identities are melting.
Lars: No, no. That is our real name.
Pamela: Mr. Claus, when did you first notice the ice sheet beneath your toy workshop beginning to destabilize?
Lars: I was a school principal for thirty-seven years.
Inger: And I was a dental hygienist.
Pamela: Dental trauma. Of course. Candy canes. Gingerbread. The molar cost of Christmas capitalism.
Inger: No, dear, I cleaned teeth in Denmark.
Pamela: But surely, Mrs. Claus, you’ve seen the elves struggling in the heat.
Inger: I have seen my husband struggle with the air conditioning remote in Costa Rica.
Pamela: Costa Rica?
Lars: We retired there six years ago. Very nice. Good fruit.
Pamela: So you fled the North Pole.
Lars: We have never been to the North Pole.
Pamela: The denial stage. Heartbreaking.
Inger: We have been to Oslo once.
Lars: And north of Helsingør? Maybe not.
Pamela: I’m being told by my producer that Helsingør is not, technically, the Arctic.
Lars: Your producer is a wise person.
Pamela: But you are dressed as Santa.
Inger: Yes. For fun.
Pamela: Fun. The final anesthetic before planetary collapse.
Lars: No. Fun. As in children smile, we wave, everyone has an ice cream.
Pamela: Ice cream. Another doomed frozen institution.
Inger: Pamela, may I say something?
Pamela: Please. Speak your truth from the melting pole.
Inger: My truth is this: it is hot. I am old. My beard is fake. His beard is fake. We are not mythical administrators of an Arctic labor colony. We are two pensioners in costumes enjoying a parade.
Lars: And if the planet is warming, perhaps you should interview a scientist.
Pamela: But scientists don’t wear bells.
Lars: Some might, if you ask nicely. And dress as you are.
Pamela: Final question. What message do you have for the children of the world?
Inger: Brush your teeth.
Lars: Learn geography.
Pamela: There you have it. From the Claus family itself: hygiene, maps, and quiet panic under the Danish sun.
Inger: Not the Claus family.
Pamela: Back to you, whoever still has potable water.
PLEASE: Before you condemn us for choosing the ridiculously sexy Pained Pamela to be our Dose of Doom reporter, go HERE to learn more about her heartbreaking story. Surely, you would not deny her the right to earn a living.
Alex Bakerloo 