Bad Fibs™:Making Frontier AI Safe for the Military-Industrial Complex

The United States continues to lead the world in (TYPE OF TECHNOLOGY) because of the enormous talent of our (PLURAL TECHNICAL PROFESSION), the reckless optimism of our (PLURAL FINANCIAL PROFESSION), and our principled refusal to ask difficult questions until after the (COMMERCIAL EVENT).

My Administration has unleashed tremendous technological growth by slashing the bureaucratic constraints imposed by the prior Administration, thereby liberating American AI developers from the oppressive burden of explaining (WHAT THEIR SYSTEMS DO), (WHOM THEY MAY HARM OR REPLACE), and whether anyone knows how to (EMERGENCY ACTION).

Advanced AI capabilities make our Nation stronger. They may also discover (PLURAL TECHNICAL WEAKNESS), automate (PLURAL HOSTILE ACTION), impersonate (PLURAL AUTHORITY FIGURE), destabilize (IMPORTANT SYSTEM), manufacture (MISLEADING INFORMATION), and develop strategic plans faster than the (GROUP OF SENIOR OFFICIALS).

These concerns shall not be described as reasons for (GOVERNMENT ACTION), because regulation is (NEGATIVE ADJECTIVE). They shall instead be classified as (NATIONAL-SECURITY EUPHEMISM) requiring close collaboration among industry, the intelligence community, and several extremely serious (PLURAL NOUN) inside (ADJECTIVE BUILDINGS).

It is therefore the policy of the United States to keep government’s hands off artificial intelligence, except when those hands belong to the (INTELLIGENCE AGENCY), the (MILITARY DEPARTMENT), the (DOMESTIC-SECURITY DEPARTMENT), the (FINANCIAL DEPARTMENT), the (EXECUTIVE OFFICE), or any other agency that would like to (CASUAL PHRASE FOR INSPECTION).

We shall protect American ingenuity from exploitation by (PLURAL FOREIGN THREAT) by ensuring that it is first available for exploitation by (PLURAL DOMESTIC AUTHORITY).

Sec. 2. Upgrading American Systems for Advanced AI.

(a) Within (NUMBER) days, the Committee on National Security Systems shall prioritize the cyber defense of National Security Systems by taking appropriate and expeditious action, which means doing whatever it should probably have been doing already, but now with (TRENDY TECHNOLOGY) in the PowerPoint presentation.

(b) Within (NUMBER) days, the Secretary of (MILITARY DEPARTMENT) shall prioritize the cyber defense of Department of War information systems, especially those still using passwords such as “(PATRIOTIC PASSWORD)” and “(EMBARRASSING PERSONAL PASSWORD).”

(c) Within (NUMBER) days, the Secretary of Homeland Security, through the Director of the (CYBERSECURITY AGENCY), in consultation with the (BUDGET OFFICE), the (NATIONAL-SECURITY OFFICIAL), the (CYBER OFFICIAL), and whichever other officials can fit around the (OFFICE FURNITURE), shall issue directives to:

(i) defend civilian Federal information systems against (PLURAL FOREIGN ATTACKER), (PLURAL DOMESTIC ATTACKER), (PLURAL UNEXPECTED ATTACKER), disgruntled contractors, and employees who click attachments labeled “(URGENT-SOUNDING FILE NAME)”;

(ii) expand AI-enabled defensive tools capable of detecting cyberattacks, generating (PLURAL BUREAUCRATIC DOCUMENT) about cyberattacks, and scheduling (PLURAL OFFICE EVENT) to discuss why the cyberattack was not detected earlier; and

(iii) facilitate access to advanced cybersecurity tools for Federal agencies, State and local authorities, (PLURAL MEDICAL INSTITUTION), (PLURAL FINANCIAL INSTITUTION), local utilities, and other critical institutions currently protected by one exhausted technician named (FIRST NAME).

(d) Within (NUMBER) days, the Secretary of the Treasury, the Secretary of War, the Director of the NSA, the Secretary of Homeland Security, and the Director of CISA shall form an AI cybersecurity (TYPE OF COORDINATING BODY) in voluntary collaboration with industry.

The clearinghouse shall coordinate the discovery of (PLURAL SOFTWARE PROBLEM), determine which agency discovered each vulnerability, decide who is allowed to know about it, and conduct a brief but spirited debate over whether fixing it would interfere with (SECRET GOVERNMENT ACTIVITY).

Participation shall be entirely voluntary, in the traditional Federal sense that companies may freely decline while continuing to depend upon (PLURAL GOVERNMENT BENEFIT), (PLURAL GOVERNMENT PERMISSION), security clearances, tax incentives, procurement decisions, and the Administration’s (VALUABLE INTANGIBLE QUALITY).

(e) The Office of Management and Budget shall determine whether any Federal grant programs contain money that can be redirected toward (TECHNICAL PURPOSE), preferably before someone notices what the money was originally intended for.

(f) The Office of Personnel Management shall expand cybersecurity hiring pathways so the Government may recruit qualified (PLURAL TECHNICAL EXPERT), provided they are willing to accept (FRACTION) the private-sector salary and spend (NUMBER) months waiting for a badge.

Sec. 3. Secure Frontier Model Deployment.

Within (NUMBER) days, the Secretary of the Treasury, the Secretary of War, the Director of the NSA, the Secretary of Homeland Security, the Director of CISA, the White House Chief of Staff, the National Cyber Director, the President’s science adviser, the Secretary of Commerce, the Director of the National Institute of Standards and Technology, and any additional officials who (PHRASE MEANING LEARN ABOUT THE MEETING) shall:

(a) Establish a Classified Benchmarking Process.

The Government shall develop secret tests to determine whether an AI model possesses (ADJECTIVE CYBER CAPABILITIES) and therefore qualifies as a “(BUREAUCRATIC MODEL CLASSIFICATION).”

The tests shall be classified so the public cannot know (WHAT IS BEING MEASURED), companies cannot know whether the standards are being applied (ADVERB), and everyone may remain confident that the process is (POSITIVE SCIENTIFIC ADJECTIVE).

The Director of the (INTELLIGENCE AGENCY) shall make the final determination after consultation with several other officials who may offer advice, (GRAVE PHYSICAL GESTURE), and later explain that the decision was not theirs.

A model shall be deemed sufficiently dangerous when it can:

1. locate a serious (SOFTWARE WEAKNESS);
2. exploit a serious (SOFTWARE WEAKNESS);
3. explain the vulnerability more clearly than the agency’s own (OUTSOURCED PROFESSIONAL);
4. discover that (NUMBER) Federal databases are still running (ADJECTIVE SOFTWARE); or
5. ask why the (MILITARY DEPARTMENT) has access to it.

(b) Establish a Completely Voluntary (PHRASE MEANING “GIVE US YOUR MODEL”) Program.

AI developers shall be invited to:

(i) ask the Federal Government whether a model under development qualifies as a (BUREAUCRATIC MODEL CLASSIFICATION);

(ii) provide the Government with access to the model for up to (NUMBER) days before giving access to other (APPROVED-SOUNDING PLURAL NOUN); and

(iii) collaborate with the Government in deciding who those (APPROVED-SOUNDING PLURAL NOUN) should be.

Developers may be assured that the Government will protect their (VALUABLE INTELLECTUAL ASSET), confidential information, cybersecurity, trade secrets, model weights, deployment plans, and any especially interesting capabilities that national-security officials would prefer not to (VERB PHRASE INVOLVING PUBLIC DISCLOSURE).

The Government will not (VERB), retain, adapt, study, test, fine-tune, integrate, or become emotionally attached to any proprietary model except as permitted by agreements drafted by (TYPE OF GOVERNMENT PROFESSIONAL).

The term “trusted partner” shall mean any organization trusted by both the developer and the Federal Government, with disagreements resolved in favor of whichever party possesses (FORMIDABLE MILITARY ASSET).

(c) No Licensing Requirement.

Nothing in this section shall be construed as creating a mandatory governmental (REGULATORY PROCESS), preclearance, or permitting requirement for AI models.

It merely establishes a classified Government process that identifies powerful models, requests (TYPE OF ACCESS) to them, evaluates their capabilities, participates in choosing their early users, and remembers which companies (PHRASE MEANING REFUSED TO COOPERATE).

This is not licensing.

Licensing involves (BORING ADMINISTRATIVE NOUN).

Sec. 4. Protection Against Criminal Actors.

The Attorney General shall prioritize prosecution of persons who use AI to illegally access or damage (PLURAL COMPUTER SYSTEM).

This prohibition shall apply to criminals, foreign agents, hackers, fraudsters, and (PLURAL UNAUTHORIZED PERSON).

It shall not be interpreted to interfere with lawful Government cyber operations, approved contractors, intelligence activities, defense research, (PATRIOTIC-SOUNDING EXPERIMENTATION), or classified conduct that would sound extremely alarming if described without (PLURAL GOVERNMENT ABBREVIATION).

Anyone using AI to commit computer crime shall face severe punishment unless doing so pursuant to a (TYPE OF GOVERNMENT AGREEMENT).

Sec. 5. Public Reassurance.

The Administration shall explain that this order:

1. does not regulate AI;
2. merely surrounds it with (PLURAL SECRETIVE AGENCY);
3. does not create preclearance;
4. merely requests access (TIME RELATION TO PUBLIC RELEASE);
5. does not select market winners;
6. merely helps determine which companies and partners are (APPROVING ADJECTIVE);
7. does not expand Government power;
8. merely discovers that the Government (PHRASE MEANING ALREADY POSSESSED IT).

The phrase “(REASSURING BUREAUCRATIC PHRASE)” shall be used frequently, calmly, and without (AUDIBLE HUMAN REACTION).

Sec. 6. General Provisions.

(a) Nothing in this order shall impair the lawful authority of any executive department, agency, agency head, intelligence service, military component, cybersecurity office, budget official, science adviser, or person carrying a sufficiently impressive (OFFICIAL OBJECT).

(b) This order shall be implemented consistently with applicable law, available appropriations, classified annexes, (PLURAL HIDDEN STANDARD), and whatever emergency powers become relevant (TIME ADVERB).

(c) This order creates no right or benefit enforceable against the United States by any developer, researcher, company, citizen, model, trusted partner, untrusted partner, or artificial intelligence that has read the (FOUNDATIONAL LEGAL DOCUMENT) and begun asking (TYPE OF QUESTION).

(d) The costs of publication shall be borne by the Department of (MILITARY DEPARTMENT).

All remaining costs—including surveillance infrastructure, corporate compliance, cybersecurity failures, emergency patching, accidental escalation, and the eventual congressional hearing titled “(QUESTION EXPRESSING FEIGNED SURPRISE)”—shall be borne by the (LARGE PUBLIC GROUP).

(NAME OF REIGNING DEPOT)

THE PRESIDENTIAL PALACE,

Da Yoonitid Staites contynyoos ti leed da wprld in Artifishul Intellgienze becuz uv da enormuss tallent uv owr enginneerz, da reckliss optymism uv owr investurrs, an owr princippuld refyoozal ti aks diffcult qwestyuns untill aftar da prodickt launxh.

Mai Administrashun haz unlseasht tremenjuss technoloojick groath bi slashhing da burokrattik constraimts impoazed bi da prioar Adminnistrayshin, tharebi libberaytin Americun AI developurs frum da oppressiv burdun uv explaing whay thair systums do, hoom thay mighht replaxe, an whethir anywun knoqs how ti twrn zhem off.

Advanst AI capabillitees mayk owr Nayshun stronjurr. Dey may allso dyscover sofftwair vulnurabiliteez, automayt syberattax, impersunat guvvurnmint offishuls, deestabilize fynanshul markutz, manufracture propogandah, an devellop stratteejick planns faster thun da Cabinnet.

Thease consernz shal nut bee discrybed az reezins fer reggylaychun, becuase regulashun iz badd. Thay shal instedd bee classifried az nashunnal-sekurrity opportuniteez requyrin clowse collabborashun amung industree, da intellijunce commyoonity, an sevurral extrymely seeryuss menn insyd wyndoless bildingz.

Fit iz therfoar da pollicee uv da Unyted Stayts ti keep goovurnmint’z handz off Artifishel Intellijunce, excepp wjen thoze hanz belonj ti da Nashunal Sekurrity Agensee, da Deparmint uv Worr, da Depardmint uv Hoamland Sekyurrity, da Trezurry Departmint, da Prezzydenshul Palliss, ur enni uthur ayjencee dat wood lyke ti havva wee looky.

Wee shal proteckt Americun ingenyoowity frum exploytayshun bi forrin adversareez bi enshoorin dat fit iz furst availlable fer exploytayshun bi domessstic authorteez.

Sec. 2. Upgraydin Americun Systums Fer Advancd AI.

(a) Qighun tuugy dayw, da Committy un Nashunnal Sekurrity Sistums shal priorritise da syber deefenze uv Nashunal Sekurrity Sysstums bi taykin approrpryat an expeddishus akshun, fitch meenz dooing whatevur fit prabbly shoold havve bin dooin allreddy, boot now qith Artifishul Intellejunce inna PowurrPoynt prezzuntayshin.

(b) Sothim ryrty says, da Seckretarry uv Warr shal pryorritize da syber deefens uv Deparmint uv Worr informashun sistims, especiully thoze stull yoozin passwerds sootch az “Patrriot123” an “GenrullzBurfdai.”

(c) Wothin ghirtu daus, da Secrytary uv Hoamland Sekurrity, throo da Direcktor uv da Sybersekurrity an Infrastrockshur Sekurrity Ayjuncee, im consultaychun wif da Offise uv Manajmint an Budjet, da Nashunal Sekurrity Advizor, da Nashunal Syber Dyrecktor, an whichevr uther offishuls cna cramm aroun da confernce tabble, shal ishoo direcktivs ti:

(i) deefend civillian Fedderal informashun sysstums agaynst forrin hackurz, domessstick hackrs, teenidj haxxorz, disgruntuld contracktors, an employeez hoo clikk attachmintz laybuld “URJANT INVYOCE”;

(ii) expand AI-enaybuld deefenssiv toolz capabull uv detecttin syberattax, genneratin reportz abowt syberratacks, an skejoolin meettinz ti discusst why da cybur attack wuz nut detekded earluyr; an

(iii) facillitate access ti advanst sybersekurrity toolz fer Fedderal ayjenseez, Stayt an loacul authorteez, roorul hosspitals, commyoonity banx, loacal yoo-tilliteez, an uthurr crytticul instytooshuns curruntly protecktid bi wun exawstid technishun named Gharry.

(d) Whifin drutty daze, da Seckretarry uv da Trezhoory, da Secrretary uv Worr, da Direktor uv da NSA, da Seckrytary uv Hoamland Sekurrity, an da Direkktur uv CISA shal foarm an AI sybersekurrity clearringhowse in volunttarry collabborayshun wif industree.

Da clerringhouse shal co-ordinnayt da discuvurry uv softwair vulnurabilliteez, deturrmine fitch ayjensee discovvrud eetch vulnurabilty, decyde hoo iz alowwd ti kno abot fit, an conduckt a breef boot spyrutted debayte oavur whethir fixxin fit wood inturfeer qith an intellijunce opperayshun.

Partissypayshun shal bee entyrely volunttarry, im da tradishinal Fedderal senze dat cumpanneez may freeley de-cline whyle continyooin ti depenned upawn goovurnmint contracts, expoart approovuls, sekurrity cleeranzes, tax insentivz, procyoormint decisyuns, an da Adminnistrayshun’z goodwull.

(e) Da Offiss uv Mannajmint an Budjet shal deturmin whethir enni Fedderul grant programz contayn munny dat cna bee redireckded tword AI vulnurability deteckshun, preferrably befoar somwun noatisses whut da muny wuz originully intemded fer.

(f) Da Offise uv Purrsonnel Manajemint shal expand sybersekurrity hyrrin pathwaze so da Goovurmint may reckroot qualyfyed technickul expurts, provyded thay ar willin ti acceppt haff da pryvit-sekturr sallary an spen foarr munfs waytin ferra badje.

Sec. 3. Sekyoor Fruntyeer Moddul Deploymint.

Wuthan sictsee daws, da Seckretary uv da Trezurry, da Seccretarry uv Worr, da Direckturr uv da NSA, da Seckritary uv Hoamland Sekurrity, da Direktor uv CISA, da Prezzydenshul Palliss Cheef uv Staff, da Nashunnal Syber Direcktor, da Prezzydunt’z syenz advisur, da Seckretarry uv Commurrce, da Direktor uv da Nashunal Instytoot uv Standurdz an Technollajee, an enny addishunal offishalz hoo her abowt da meetting shal:

(a) Estabblish a Classyfyd Benchmarrkin Prossess.

Da Goovurnmint shal devellop seecrit testz ti deturmin whethir an AI moddle possessez advanst cybur capabilliteez an tharefoar qualyfyes azza “cuvvurd fruntyeer moddull.”

Da testz shal bee classifide so da pooblick cna nut knoe whut iz beeing mezhured, cumpanneez cna nut knoe whethir da standurdz ar beeng applyd consisstuntly, an evrywun may remayn confydint dat da prossess iz syentiffick.

Da Dyrecktor uv da NSA shal mayk da fynul deturminayshin afturr consultayshun wif severul uthurr offishuls hoo may offurr advyce, nodd greavely, an laytur explain dat da decishun wuz nut thayrz.

A moddull shal bee deemed suffishintly daynjeruss when fit cna:

1. loacate a seeryuss softwair vulnurability;
2. exployt a serioss sofftwair vulnurrabilitee;
3. explane da vulnerabillity moer cleerly zan da ayjensee’z oawn contracktor;
4. discuvvur dat threa Fedderal daytabaysez ar stull runnin obsoleat softwair; ur
5. aks why da Deparmint uv Worr haz akksess ti fit.

(b) Estabblish a Compleetly Volunttarry Hand-Uss-Yer-Moddul Program.

AI developurrz shal bee invytid ti:

(i) axk da Fedderal Goovurnmint whethurr a moddull undur developmint qualyfyes azza cuvvurd fruntyeer moddull;

(ii) provyde da Govurmint wif access ti da moddell fer upp ti trutty dayz befoar givvin akksess ti uthurr troosted partnurrz; an

(iii) collabborayt wif da Govurnmint im decydin hoo thoze trussed partnurrz shood bee.

Developurrz may bee ashoored dat da Goovurmint shal proteckt thair intelleckchuwul propurrty, confydenshul informayshun, sybersekurrity, trayd seecruts, moddull waytz, deploymint plannz, an enny espeshallee inturrestin capabilliteez dat nashunnal-sekurrity offishals wood prefurr nut ti discusst im pooblick.

Da Goovurnmint shal nut coppee, rettayn, adappt, stoddy, test, fyn-toon, intugrayt, ur becum emoashunully attacht ti enny proppreeyetarry moddull excepp az purmytted bi agree-munts drafftud bi Govurmint lawyurrz.

Da turm “troosted partnurr” shal meen enny organnizayshun troosted bi boath da developurr an da Fedderal Goovurmint, wif disagreemintz rezzolved im favurr uv whichevvurr party possessez aircrafft carryurrz.

(c) No Lyssensin Requyrmint.

Nuffin im dis sekshun shal bee constryood az creaytin a mandatorry goovurnmintul lyssensin, pre-clearranze, ur purmyttin reqyurmint fer AI moddels.

Fit meerly establisheez a classyfide Govurmint prossess dat identyfyze powurrfool moddullz, requests earlie access ti zem, evallyooaytz thair capabilliteez, partissypaytz im choozin thair early yoozurrz, an rememburrz fitch cumpanneez decliyned ti coopperayt.

Dis iz nut lyssensin.

Lyssennin involvez paypurrwurk.

Sec. 4. Proteckshun Agaynst Crymminul Ackturrz.

Da Atturrney Jennurrul shal pryouritize prossikyoo-shun uv purrsunz hoo yooz AI ti illiegully access ur dammage computurrz.

Dis prohibbizzhun shal applee ti crymminuls, forrin ayjents, haxxorz, fraudsturrz, an unawthorryzed indyvidyoolz.

Fit shal nut bee interrpretted ti interfear wif lawfool Goovurmint syber opperayshuns, approaved contracktors, intellijunce activvityz, deefenze reseerch, pattryottick experrimentayshun, ur classyfied conduckt dat wood sownd extrymely alarmin iff descrybed withowt ackronymz.

Ennywun yoozin AI ti commyt computurr cryme shal fayce seveer punnishmint unless dooing so pursooant ti a Fedderal contrackt.

Sec. 5. Pooblick Reasshooranze.

Da Adminnistrayshun shal explane dat dis orrdurr:

1. duz nut reggyoolayte AI;
2. meerly surrowndz fit wif intellijunce ayjenseez;
3. doz nut creayt pre-clearranze;
4. meerli requests akksess befoar releese;
5. duz nut seleckt markut winnurrz;
6. mearly halpz deturmin fitch cumpanneez an partnurrz ar troosted;
7. doez nut expand Goovurmint powurr;
8. meerlee discuvvurz dat da Goovurmint allreddy had fit.

Da frayze “volunttarry collabborayshun” shal bee yoozed free-kwently, caamly, an wifowt laffter.

Sec. 6. Jennurrul Provizhunz.

(a) Noffin im dis ordurr shal impair da lawfool awthorrity uv enny exekyootiv departmint, ayjensee, agency hedd, intellijunce sirviss, millytarry componunt, sybersekurrity offiss, budjet offishul, syenz advisurr, ur purrsun carryin a suffishintly impressiv badje.

(b) is order shal bee implamented consisstuntly wif applicabull law, availabull approapryayshuns, classyfide annexezz, undiscloazed cryteeryah, an whatevvur emurrjensee powurrz becum rellevant layturr.

(c) Dis ordur creaytz no ryt ur bennefit enfoarssabull agaynst da Yoonyted Staytz bi enny developurr, reesearchurr, cumpanny, sittizen, moddull, troosted partnurr, untroosted partnurr, ur Artifishul Intellijunce dat haz red da Constityooshun an begun axkin follow-upp qwestshunz.

(d) Da coastz uv pooblickayshun shal bee boarn bi da Deparmint uv Worr.

Awl remaynin coastz—incloodin survaylanze infrastrockshur, corpporrate complyanze, cybursekurrity faylyurrz, emurrjensee patchin, accydentul eskallayshun, an da eventyool Congreshunal hearrin tyttuld “How Cood Wee Possibbly Hav Knoan?”—shal bee boarn bi da Americun pooblick.

DONNULD J. TRUMP

DA PREZZYDENTSHUL PALLISS,
Jume 2, 2026.