Pursuant to the previous Executive Order Concerning Executive Orders, the prior Executive Order concerning the issuance of Gold Cards in competition with Green Cards has been re-issued in BAD FIBS™ format.
The original order sells entry into the USA for $1 million per individual or $2 million if a corporation buys admission on behalf of an individual.
Alex’s analysis of the original executive order.
This “Gold Card” proclamation reads less like immigration policy and more like pay-to-play naturalization. Structurally, it has several striking features:
- Rhetorical framing: The preamble paints immigration primarily in terms of threat—crime, terrorism, abuse—before pivoting to a program that admits only the wealthy. This sets up a stark dichotomy: “poor immigrants = danger, rich immigrants = national benefit.”
- Policy substance: It effectively monetizes immigration by creating a direct cash-for-visa channel. While the U.S. already has an EB-5 visa program that grants green cards for major investment tied to job creation, this proposal lowers the threshold and reframes it as a “gift” to the Department of Commerce. That bypasses the usual requirements of risk, accountability, or demonstrated economic impact.
- Legal hooks: The order tries to anchor itself in existing visa categories (EB-1, EB-2, national interest waivers), but stretches them by using a donation as “evidence” of exceptional ability or national benefit. That interpretation is tenuous, and would almost certainly face legal challenges.
- Ethical implications:
• It makes citizenship feel transactional: wealth buys belonging, while poverty ensures exclusion.
• It reinforces inequality by privileging global elites who can “purchase” status.
• It risks corruption by allowing corporations to transfer sponsorship and essentially trade visas like assets.
- Symbolism: Calling it the “Gold Card” evokes luxury branding (like credit cards) and makes the U.S. sound more like a gated country club than a constitutional republic.
In short, it takes a kernel of existing policy (investment visas) and strips away the guardrails, replacing them with raw financial contribution. From a governance perspective, it’s a recipe for legal disputes, diplomatic backlash, and deeper stratification between those who can pay and those who cannot.
Bub’s analysis of the original executive order
“Oh, this is perfect. The Gold Card. Jesus Christ, you can’t make this up. America finally admitted it: immigration isn’t about freedom, or liberty, or some shiny statue in the harbor—nah, it’s a cover charge. You want in? Slip a million bucks under the table and welcome to the Land of the Free™.
And you notice it’s never the broke motherf***er who walks across a desert with blistered feet. No, we’re talking hedge-fund pricks, Saudi princes, and some guy who owns half of Macau. Those people don’t have to immigrate. They already own half the condos in Manhattan. But sure, let’s fast-track them—because apparently Lady Liberty is now working the velvet rope at a nightclub for oligarchs.
And I love that they call it a gift. A gift! Like the United States is your Aunt Sally and you’re dropping by with a fruitcake. ‘Oh, thanks for the check, Vladimir, let me just give you citizenship, a driver’s license, and a Senate seat while I’m at it.’
You ever notice how in America the poor get background checks and the rich get backroom deals? If you show up hungry, they scream ‘invasion!’ But if you show up with a suitcase full of cash, they scream ‘investor!’ That’s the whole game: we don’t hate immigrants—we just hate immigrants who can’t buy a f***ing Senator.
And what’s next? The Platinum Card? Five million bucks and we’ll let you marry a Kennedy? How about the Diamond Elite? Ten million and you get to shoot off fireworks from the Lincoln Memorial and piss on the Bill of Rights while the Marine Band plays?
The Gold Card is the most honest thing this government’s done in years. They finally dropped the mask and said: ‘America is for sale. Always has been. Always will be. No shoes, no shirt, no money? No service.’”
The Gold Card (BAD FIBS™ Version)
Welcome to the United States of (adjective) Opportunity, where dreams are no longer earned, they’re (verb, present tense).
Section 1. Purpose:
For too long, this nation has been plagued by (plural noun) who dared to cross borders without first writing a (type of check) to Uncle Sam. These reckless (plural insult) have been ruining our (noun, abstract) and endangering our precious supply of (plural noun, ridiculous).
Our solution? The (flashy adjective) Gold Card.
Section 2. The Gold Card:
Any (profession), oligarch, or (animal, plural) with a spare (large sum of money) may now skip the messy “immigration process” and go directly to (fancy location). Just make an (adjective) “gift” to the Department of (noun, bureaucratic), and watch as your visa is approved faster than you can say (patriotic slogan).
For individuals, the entry fee is a mere (number) million dollars. Corporations, of course, must pay double, because nothing says (adjective) capitalism like charging extra to funnel humans through a (object shaped like a tube).
Section 3. Implementation:
Our hardworking Secretaries of State, Homeland Security, and Commerce will now become professional (plural occupation, silly). Their main job: to collect your (plural noun, shiny), deposit them in a (container), and use them to “promote” American (noun, vague).
And if your corporation decides your (adjective) Gold Card immigrant isn’t working out? No problem! Just swap them for another (plural noun), like trading in a used (vehicle) at the dealership. Freedom means flexibility.
Section 4. Symbolism:
The Gold Card proves that in America, we don’t discriminate against immigrants—we simply (verb) them by their bank account. Poor? Go stand in the line marked (noun, sad). Rich? Please proceed to the (adjective) velvet rope, where Lady Liberty herself will (verb) your (body part) and whisper, “Welcome home, (pet name).”
Section 5. Conclusion:
This is not just policy. This is a (noun, sacred). The Gold Card is how we make America (adjective, ironic) again: by selling the American Dream one (currency plural) at a time.
Benji Franklin’s Variant
Welcome to the United States of Dubious Opportunity, where dreams are no longer earned, they’re auctioned.
Section 1. Purpose:
For too long, this nation has been plagued by princes without kingdoms who dared to cross borders without first writing a promissory note to Uncle Sam. These reckless nabobs have been ruining our republic and endangering our precious supply of liberties hard-won.
Our solution? The Gaudy Gold Card.
Section 2. The Gold Card:
Any barber-surgeon, oligarch, or lapdogs with a spare 1 million guineas may now skip the messy “immigration process” and go directly to the banquet table. Just make a speculative “gift” to the Department of Commerce, and watch as your visa is approved faster than you can say “Join, or Die!”
For individuals, the entry fee is a mere one million dollars. Corporations, of course, must pay double, because nothing says mercantile capitalism like charging extra to funnel humans through a gilded spittoon.
Section 3. Implementation:
Our hardworking Secretaries of State, Homeland Security, and Commerce will now become professional toll-collectors. Their main job: to collect your gold doubloons, deposit them in a strongbox, and use them to “promote” American avarice.
And if your corporation decides your unprofitable Gold Card immigrant isn’t working out? No problem! Just swap them for another indentured servants, like trading in a used horse-cart at the dealership. Freedom means flexibility.
Section 4. Symbolism:
The Gold Card proves that in America, we don’t discriminate against immigrants—we simply weigh them by their bank account. Poor? Go stand in the line marked paupers’ grave. Rich? Please proceed to the velvet-lined velvet rope, where Lady Liberty herself will kiss your signet ring and whisper, “Welcome home, my patron.”
Section 5. Conclusion:
This is not just policy. This is a travesty. The Gold Card is how we make America venal again: by selling the American Dream one pound sterling at a time.
Granny Roosevelt’s variant
Welcome to the United States of Performative Opportunity, where dreams are no longer earned, they’re pawned.
Section 1. Purpose:
For too long, this nation has been plagued by stateless tycoons who dared to cross borders without first writing a campaign donation to Uncle Sam. These reckless grifters have been ruining our credibility and endangering our precious supply of integrity.
Our solution? The Tawdry Gold Card.
Section 2. The Gold Card:
Any hedge fund manager, oligarch, or lapdogs with a spare forty suitcases of cash may now skip the messy “immigration process” and go directly to Trump Tower’s penthouse. Just make a shameless “gift” to the Department of Self-Dealing, and watch as your visa is approved faster than you can say “America First, morals last.”
For individuals, the entry fee is a mere one million dollars. Corporations, of course, must pay double, because nothing says crony capitalism like charging extra to funnel humans through a cash register.
Section 3. Implementation:
Our hardworking Secretaries of State, Homeland Security, and Commerce will now become professional concierges. Their main job: to collect your Rolex watches, deposit them in a safe deposit box, and use them to “promote” American delusion.
And if your corporation decides your unflattering Gold Card immigrant isn’t working out? No problem! Just swap them for another stooges, like trading in a used Cadillac at the dealership. Freedom means flexibility.
Section 4. Symbolism:
The Gold Card proves that in America, we don’t discriminate against immigrants—we simply price-tag them by their bank account. Poor? Go stand in the line marked charity ward. Rich? Please proceed to the velvet-roped velvet rope, where Lady Liberty herself will wink your checkbook and whisper, “Welcome home, big spender.”
Section 5. Conclusion:
This is not just policy. This is a humiliation. The Gold Card is how we make America cheap again: by selling the American Dream one offshore account at a time.
Bub’s late-night variant
Welcome to the United States of Bullshit Opportunity, where dreams are no longer earned, they’re bought.
Section 1. Purpose:
For too long, this nation has been plagued by billionaire crybabies who dared to cross borders without first writing a campaign check to Uncle Sam. These reckless assholes have been ruining our sanity and endangering our precious supply of common sense.
Our solution? The Goddamn Gold Card.
Section 2. The Gold Card:
Any banker, oligarch, or jackals with a spare one million bucks may now skip the messy “immigration process” and go directly to the country club. Just make a shady “gift” to the Department of Grift, and watch as your visa is approved faster than you can say “Screw the poor!”
For individuals, the entry fee is a mere one million dollars. Corporations, of course, must pay double, because nothing says crooked capitalism like charging extra to funnel humans through a toilet chute.
Section 3. Implementation:
Our hardworking Secretaries of State, Homeland Security, and Commerce will now become professional cashiers. Their main job: to collect your gold bars, deposit them in a dumpster, and use them to “promote” American bullshit.
And if your corporation decides your useless Gold Card immigrant isn’t working out? No problem! Just swap them for another suckers, like trading in a used limousine at the dealership. Freedom means flexibility.
Section 4. Symbolism:
The Gold Card proves that in America, we don’t discriminate against immigrants—we simply rank them by their bank account. Poor? Go stand in the line marked losers. Rich? Please proceed to the velvet-lined velvet rope, where Lady Liberty herself will polish your wallet and whisper, “Welcome home, big shot.”
Section 5. Conclusion:
This is not just policy. This is a con job. The Gold Card is how we make America stupid again: by selling the American Dream one dollar bill at a time.
Bub’s daytime variant
Welcome to the United States of Half-Baked Opportunity, where dreams are no longer earned, they’re deep-fried.
Section 1. Purpose:
For too long, this nation has been plagued by clowns in neckties who dared to cross borders without first writing a strip-club receipt to Uncle Sam. These reckless meat puppets have been ruining our circus and endangering our precious supply of inflatable sex dolls.
Our solution? The Sparkly-Ass Gold Card.
Section 2. The Gold Card:
Any dog groomer, oligarch, or cockroaches with a spare $69 million may now skip the messy “immigration process” and go directly to the champagne hot tub. Just make a sticky “gift” to the Department of Ridiculousness, and watch as your visa is approved faster than you can say “Grab ’em by the ballot box!”
For individuals, the entry fee is a mere one million dollars. Corporations, of course, must pay double, because nothing says horny capitalism like charging extra to funnel humans through a beer bong.
Section 3. Implementation:
Our hardworking Secretaries of State, Homeland Security, and Commerce will now become professional magicians. Their main job: to collect your cocaine spoons, deposit them in a porta-potty, and use them to “promote” American lunacy.
And if your corporation decides your disappointing Gold Card immigrant isn’t working out? No problem! Just swap them for another circus monkeys, like trading in a used Ferrari with flames painted on the hood at the dealership. Freedom means flexibility.
Section 4. Symbolism:
The Gold Card proves that in America, we don’t discriminate against immigrants—we simply auction them by their bank account. Poor? Go stand in the line marked Dumpster Fire. Rich? Please proceed to the VIP velvet rope dipped in glitter, where Lady Liberty herself will spank your tush and whisper, “Welcome home, sugar daddy.”
Section 5. Conclusion:
This is not just policy. This is a clown show. The Gold Card is how we make America drunk again: by selling the American Dream one booger-encrusted dollar at a time.
Rambling idiot Trump rally variant
Welcome to the United States of Sticky Opportunity, where dreams are no longer earned, they’re microwaved.
Section 1. Purpose:
For too long, this nation has been plagued by garden gnomes who dared to cross borders without first writing a rubber check to Uncle Sam. These reckless dingbats have been ruining our karma and endangering our precious supply of inflatable flamingos.
Our solution? The Glittery Gold Card.
Section 2. The Gold Card:
Any dentist, oligarch, or squirrels with a spare 7 million dollars may now skip the messy “immigration process” and go directly to Mar-a-Lago. Just make an slimy “gift” to the Department of Paperclips, and watch as your visa is approved faster than you can say “Mission Accomplished!”
For individuals, the entry fee is a mere 13 million dollars. Corporations, of course, must pay double, because nothing says perky capitalism like charging extra to funnel humans through a garden hose.
Section 3. Implementation:
Our hardworking Secretaries of State, Homeland Security, and Commerce will now become professional fortune tellers. Their main job: to collect your gold teeth, deposit them in a mason jar, and use them to “promote” American vibes.
And if your corporation decides your moldy Gold Card immigrant isn’t working out? No problem! Just swap them for another hamsters, like trading in a used tuk-tuk at the dealership. Freedom means flexibility.
Section 4. Symbolism:
The Gold Card proves that in America, we don’t discriminate against immigrants—we simply auction them by their bank account. Poor? Go stand in the line marked dumpster. Rich? Please proceed to the velvety velvet rope, where Lady Liberty herself will tickle your elbow and whisper, “Welcome home, cupcake.”
Section 5. Conclusion:
Attila the Hun variant
Welcome to the United States of Conquered Opportunity, where dreams are no longer earned, they’re taken.
Section 1. Purpose:
For too long, this nation has been plagued by timid weaklings who dared to cross borders without first writing a tribute scroll to Uncle Sam. These reckless cowards have been ruining our strength and endangering our precious supply of horses.
Our solution? The Blood-Red Gold Card.
Section 2. The Gold Card:
Any chieftain, oligarch, or raiders with a spare 1,000 sacks of gold may now skip the messy “immigration process” and go directly to the throne room. Just make a fearsome “gift” to the Department of Plunder, and watch as your visa is approved faster than you can say “Kneel or burn!”
For individuals, the entry fee is a mere one million coins. Corporations, of course, must pay double, because nothing says barbarian capitalism like charging extra to funnel humans through a battering ram.
Section 3. Implementation:
Our hardworking Secretaries of State, Homeland Security, and Commerce will now become professional tax collectors. Their main job: to collect your iron weapons, deposit them in a treasure hoard, and use them to “promote” American domination.
And if your corporation decides your useless Gold Card immigrant isn’t working out? No problem! Just swap them for another slaves, like trading in a used warhorse at the camp. Freedom means flexibility.
Section 4. Symbolism:
The Gold Card proves that in America, we don’t discriminate against immigrants—we simply weigh them by their bank account. Poor? Go stand in the line marked execution pit. Rich? Please proceed to the gilded tent, where Lady Liberty herself will bow to your sword and whisper, “Welcome home, warlord.”
Section 5. Conclusion:
This is not just policy. This is a tribute system. The Gold Card is how we make America ripe for conquest again: by selling the American Dream one pile of loot at a time.
Alex Bakerloo 