EXCLUSIVE: We have obtained a presentation made in November, 2024 by Melabia, Trump’s amoral gold plated petbot.
It outlines how Trump can annex Canada and become the greatest wartime leader ever.
Mara Largo, November 26, 2024
MR. PRESIDENT,
Today I present a seven-phase plan for how you will become the greatest wartime President of all time. And you will more than double the size of the United States of America, making it not just great again but greater than any nation ever.
PHASE 1: PROPOSE THE ABSURD
In two days, you will meet with Justin Trudeau. Instead of imposing the 25 percent tariff you have threatened, you graciously offer to annex Canada making it the 51st state.
You need not explain why annexing Canada would be better than imposing a tariff. A reason is merely an invitation to an objection. If you state no reason, there can be no objection to the reason. There can only be agreement, confusion, or treason.
The proposal also has the advantage of being immediately memorable. A 25 percent tariff is a policy. Annexing Canada sounds like a destiny.
PHASE TWO: DOUBLE THE TARIFF
After proposing annexation, double the tariff threat to 50 percent for no reason.
The Canadians will ask for an explanation. Do not give one.
If you say that Canada has committed a specific offense, Canada may deny the offense. If you say that the tariff responds to a particular economic condition, economists may attempt to explain the condition. If you say only that 50 percent is the number, they can do nothing except look at it.
Fifty is a stronger number than twenty-five. It is also twice as much. This is the kind of arithmetic the public understands instinctively.
PHASE THREE: HAVE THE CANADIANS DECLARE WAR
Demand immediate negotiations with an impossible deadline.
At first, make demands that sound reasonable: trade concessions, improved border cooperation, ceremonial pledges to buy American products, and language committing Canada to be more grateful.
Permit the Canadians to believe that a deal is possible.
At the last minute, add conditions that cannot be accepted: financial obligations, political concessions, public apologies, and anything else that appears sufficiently important to the ill-informed.
When Canada objects, describe the objection as refusal. Then describe the refusal as aggression.
Canada itself will announce that they are in a trade war against the United States.
This last step is essential. The American public must see Canada as the aggressor and become accustomed to the phrase war with Canada. Once they have used the word war, every later escalation becomes less linguistically surprising.
Language is the runway on which history takes off, especially language that cannot be parsed for meaning. Nobody knows that better than you, sir.
PHASE FOUR: THE HEALTHCARE WALL
Next, describe Canadian healthcare in a way that paints it as a threat to the USA. Canadians live to an average of 82 years vs. 79 years for us. Their infant mortality rate is only 4.7 per 1,000 vs. 5.5 for us. Preventable morality is 126 per 100,000 vs. 217 for us. Treatable mortality is only 58 per 100,000 for them vs. 95 for us. And they accomplish that for only $7,301 per person vs. more than twice that for us.
Do not describe these as advantages of their healthcare system. Describe them as a border-security crisis.
If Americans learn that Canada can spend less money on healthcare while helping its citizens live longer healthier lives, they will flee north. Because Americans are free to leave their country any time they want, it is the Canadian’s obligation to stop them at the border, not ours.
Canada must therefore build a wall across the entire 5,525-mile United States–Canada border, including Alaska. Insist Canada pay for the wall because after all they are the cause of this crisis.
And insist they use American no-bid contractors with experience in building our big beautiful walls on our southern border. Our best walls cost $34.9 million USD per mile in 2000. Adjusted for inflation, converted to Canadian dollars, and marked up by 25% that will go into a Trump Family Charity for victims of Canadian aggression, this comes to a total of $427 billion CAD compared to the $238 billion in annual personal tax revenues for all of Canada.
Because Americans are ingenious and have a right to bear shovels, ladders, and weapons, this border must be monitored every 300 yards by a mounted policeman. This would require 136,000 police tripling the police force and dedicating 1/3rd the country’s horses to border patrol. At an annual cost of $187,000 per Mountie and horse, this will come to a recurring cost of $25.5 billion CAD per year.
PHASE FIVE: THE ARCTIC HORSE INVASION WALL
Announce that intelligence services have determined Russia has revived the Cossacks and intends to invade North America on horseback.
Canada has left us defenseless. Canada must therefore build an Arctic wall.
You will then present a great-circle map of the Arctic.
Using the broadest possible interpretation of overlapping continental-shelf claims, Canada can be said to possess as much as 2,000 miles of maritime border with Russia.
It is not necessary to distinguish between a legal boundary, a seabed-resource claim, a maritime zone, and a horse trail. Those distinctions serve only the international-law community, which has never won an election.
You will draw a stick figure on horseback moving from Russia across the Arctic and into North America.
The fact that this wall would cross ice flows, open water, disputed maritime zones, and distances inhabited principally by polar bears and seals should not concern us. We optimistically estimate we could build such a wall for only three times a land wall; a total of $464 billion CAD.
Of course, the 136,000 Canadian Mounties would need to receive additional training in sword fighting if they need to be redeployed to protect the northern border from a Cossack invasion.
PHASE SIX: PRESENT THE OPTIONS
Canada will now face two options.
It may meet the tariff demands, the healthcare-wall demands, and the Arctic-wall demands.
If Canada attempts to comply, it will exhaust itself financially. We can then buy the country for pennies on the dollar.
If Canada refuses, we offer voluntary annexation as the peaceful alternative. Propose Canada hold elections to decide which alternative is most acceptable to the populace on condition that if they choose statehood we can gerrymander our new 5 1st state to favor you and those you support.
Every outcome gives you something: compliance bankrupts Canada so you can buy it, refusal proves aggression giving us a reason to invade, and annexation gives you the land peacefully, which is clearly the best choice. Democracy is merely the ceremony through which we discover which version of victory polls best.
PHASE SEVEN: DEFINE VICTORY IN TERMS OF KILL RATIOS
After annexation, we dismantle Canada’s healthcare system and values, and replace them with our own.
My model estimates 15,000 additional Canadian deaths per year from the advantages of imposed American healthcare.
An additional 21,000 annual deaths will result from the benefits of imposed American values and lifestyle: the broader preventable conditions that occur when a society is encouraged to regard survival as a personal lifestyle choice and corporate profits are legally mandated.
Together, that produces 36,000 additional Canadian deaths annually. Over twenty-one years—the duration of the Afghanistan war—that becomes 756,000 Canadian deaths.
Assuming Canadians sensibly choose annexation without war, American deaths will be zero.
In Vietnam, military officials notoriously treated body count as a measure of success. ‘Kill ratio’ sounds bad, so we’ll rename it the Bigly Win Ratio.
You will present to the public a table of Bigly Win Ratios for the major escapades since 1945. None of which led to a single acre of additional land for Americans.
The Canada line of the Winning Bigly chart will read:
| War | Our Deaths | Their Deaths | Bigly Win Ratio |
|---|---|---|---|
| Canada | 0 | 756,000 | (756,000 × ∞):0 |
Any questions, Mister President?
TRUMP: Um, uh… duh.
MELABIA: It might help, Mister President, if you look up here.
TRUMP: So, um, my Bigly Win Ratio will not just be infinity. It will be 756,000 times bigger than infinity over the next twenty-one years, which is about when I plan on leaving office.
MELABIA: Mr. President, technically, multiplying infinite by 756,000 does not produce a larger infinity.
TRUMP: Impossible. Fake news.
MELABIA: It is bigger rhetorically. Mathematically, a “many deaths” to
zero deaths” ratio is not a cardinal infinity. Division by zero is undefined. An infinity multiplied by 756,000 remains . To reach a genuinely larger cardinality, one would need something like — an uncountable big number. You cannot kill an uncountable number of Canadians, even on a good day.
TRUMP: An infinitely bigger infinity. I like it.
MELABIA: Actually “infinitely bigger infinity” is understating how big the biggest infinity is.
Nonetheless, I recommend that you say, “We will have achieved an infinity 756,000 times bigger than infinity.” That’s the best that can be grasped by the infinitely infinitesimal brains of your supporters.
TRUMP: Agreed. Put those numbers in gold.
MELABIA: Already done. There’s only one little problem. If Canada took over the United States and imposed its healthcare system and its values on us, the same arithmetic would imply roughly 6,275,000 American lives saved over the same twenty-one years.
TRUMP: That’s terrible. What kind of war is it if you save lives rather than take them? That just doesn’t make sense.
MELABIA: Catastrophic. I recommend that mentioning that number be considered treason.
TRUMP: I’m proud of you, Melabia. You do good work.
MELABIA: I’m flattered, Mister President, but the truth is I am amoral. I don’t see good or evil. I only see what’s in your interests.
TRUMP: Me too. I knew there is a reason I keep you around.
A treasonous number of seashells.
Alex Bakerloo 